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thoughts on things

I want to be allowed to be quiet. It’s frustrating to be assumed to be moody on days I don’t feel like talking. I don’t always want to debate nor discuss nor be funny, sometimes all I want to do is be in silence.

***

I enjoy being alone, a lot. I’m learning that this does not mean I don’t like being social, just that I also enjoy being alone. There are times where I need to be alone for my own sake.

***

I’m learning a lesson in self-confidence when it comes to work. Taking ownership and being proud of the things I build or contribute to is something I have sturggled with because I have felt “unworthy” or have thought it not that big/great of an accomplishment. I’m learning how to trust myself with the professional decisions I make and being assertive with them. I’ve ditched the “junior” title from my work email signature because in practice, it means very little.

***

A non-Christian friend recently asked me why fornication is wrong and I struggled to answer him but not because I didn’t know. We had a discussion about church & sex and the stigma the church put on sex. He asked how one was supposed miraculously do away with all of that when one gets married, that, I didn’t know. Sex will forever be one of my favourite topics to talk about but there is no balance when we look at how sex is practiced. The church emphasise abstinence, which I agree with & practice, but also add stigma to it. Sex becomes evil (in some circles), only to be had when procreation is the intention, never to be enjoyed or explored, etc. Which makes it difficult for one to actually wholly enjoy sex & also to be vulnerable enough to want to have sex with their partner in the first instance. On the flip side the “world” endorses a ‘have sex when you want, with who you want, whenever you feel like’ and as long as there’s consent & protection, it’s alright. It tends to become excessive to the point that not having sex regularly is seen as a bad thing, even if you’re not in a relationship. Trying to navigate through those spaces while remaining abstinent and having a healthy view about sex & bodies, is difficult.

***

“it was a falling out,
between me & mother mary.
she,
wondering why i had stopped calling in her boy since we had been getting along so well & all.
me,
don’t really have the guts to get down and pray because it all feels so familiar anyway”

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