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stuck.

I’m not sure there has ever been a time where I have felt 100% comfortable & I think that’s a human thing. We feel uncomfortable in our bodies, in our settings, etc. but I feel like I’ve never really “fit” anywhere, except during the two years of college when I feel like I was most myself. Anyway, I’ve been moving through life with this discomfort & recently it’s grown into something else but I don’t know what it is.

Specifically, I’m uncomfortable in church but I’m also uncomfortable in the world. Here’s the thing, being a Christian is hard. Walking the path of righteousness is difficult but not just for the reasons many think. I don’t necessarily find this journey difficult because of the things I can/can’t do, I find it difficult because it’s uncomfortable. Having a relationship with Christ means that you’re open to & are receiving truth & love in it’s purest form, and you understand that – and in receiving and understanding that you share it with the world. You love as you love yourself, & you should love yourself as Christ loves you. Granted, love is difficult to do especially when you think those who you should love don’t deserve it. However, as a people who profess to have the love of God & the truth, we sure don’t act like it. This isn’t just about the hypocrisy of the church. It’s deeper than gossiping and homophobia – it’s about being false representatives of God and distorting God’s character. Yes, we are all sinners, saved by grace, & thank God for that but what is supposed to make us different is our desire to not be in that state, our desire to be so consumed by the love of God that we change. What I’ve noticed is the opposite. We are comfortable in our sin and our mess and we don’t want to change. We don’t want to love. This makes me very uncomfortable, I don’t want to be around that but on the flip side, there is nowhere to go. First off, I 100% believe the Adventist message to be true & unless something more true presents itself, there is nowhere for me to go.

Secondly, I find the world* just as uncomfortable. The world doesn’t profess to know God & there are various avenues on how it tries to love but I feel like it’s just another extreme that’s just as unhealthy. The world doesn’t have the truth of the church nor does it really want it. I see things in the world that are wrong but are encouraged or even celebrated. So the church and the world are both in this same condition of being comfortable in their wrongness. And I don’t want this to sound like I’m better than anyone or holier than thou (if you follow me on twitter you’ll know this is not the case). I just feel like there’s nowhere to really be.

*I use the world as the opposite of the church but I am fully aware that the church is in the world & those in the world make up the church.

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