Currently I’m living in the aftermath, the place where “what next?” is shouting so loud, ignoring it takes more effort than answering. I’m in the place where I have to be honest and realistic about everything, “what next?”
I’ll be honest, I’m good at pretending to know what I’m doing and where I’m going. I can sell people (and myself) on an idea that I’ve only given five minutes thought, sometimes this works out for me, sometimes it doesn’t. But I also get bored of things easily & if I don’t genuinely enjoy something it’s difficult to pretend like I do. These two things combined mean that I do a lot of jumping and hopping, hoping to land into something that I enjoy & sustains me. There is one thing that I have loved consistently, writing, but the kind of writing I want to do doesn’t bring in the kind of cash I need to live. So, I’m in this ditch, the aftermath, the place where I don’t feel like standing up by myelf and dusting my shoulders off, I want God to do it for me; I want Him to pick me up and put me where I’m supposed to be. I don’t want to do anything, I’m tired and I just want everything to fall in my lap. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m in an exhausted place and sometimes with exhaustion comes selfishness.
But here’s the thing, I have faith that everything will work out, I believe everything will happen when it needs to, it’s the works part that’s got me stumped. Faith without works is dead, and although the context of this is more about your Christian faith/belief, I feel it’s also appropriate here. God is a deliverer, miracle-worker, healer and all the at good stuff, but He isn’t the one who will do things for you that you can do yourself. He loves a hard and; diligent worker. So how can I say I have faith that things will work out if I’m not actually doing anything? If I don’t do anything, there will be nothing to work out, I’ll still be here, in this ditch.
I saw a tweet, this week, that said something along the lines of “how can I be jealous of someone’s success when I know I’m working hard? Their time is not my time.” The last part is the part that really resonated with me. My time is not anybody else’s time, and furthermore my time isn’t God’s time. I don’t know when things are going to pick up, I don’t know when I’m going to find a job I love that allows me to live me passions too, but for now I need to do all I can do. I may pause every now and then but I can’t stop, for God to be able to do what He needs/wants to do, I need to get up out of this ditch. I need to stay focussed on the bigger picture, essentially all of this is a waste of time if I’m not desiring after Him.
This week I learnt that in the times I’m feeling lost, I need to seek the kingdom.