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A Year of Solitude.

“Oh my days, where did the year go?” is said every year, this time of year, without fail. As if as soon as summer ends, the too-early Christmas decorations in Selfirdges and Harrods remind us that time moves forward. We’re forced to look back on our accomplishments, failures, & the rest – and wonder ‘where did the year go?’ For some reason the closer I get to the end of a year the more I feel like time is running out, tomorrow becomes less and less visible, the pace of life quickens and these early days don’t help. But this isn’t a post about time or lack there of.

I’m not one to make resolutions. It’s not that I don’t like them or I think they’re a waste of time/energy/expectation/disappointment, I just don’t make them. However, on the 1st of January, 2012, as I was wading through a swamp of people, horses, muddy puddles and intoxication, I made a sort of resolution. 2012, I would stay single this year. No relationships. No dating. No extra relational activities (everything you’d do in a relationship but done outside of the relationship). Everything broke in 2011: relationships, friendships, virginities, self. I needed 2012 to go back to basics. Spend some time in the wilderness, just God & I. A particular day in a friend’s dinning room reiterated this more than ever. I was going through my old tumblr posts and came across some posts about a boy, I didn’t remember who the boy was but if not for the 2010 date stamp, I would’ve sworn that the ‘he’ in the post was the same ‘he’ that had (then) recently used all there was to use of me then got a girlfriend. And it dawned on me, (actually it shouted at me), as I laughed with my friend, that I had been in the same situation – with different  people – since secondary school and I hadn’t really been single since I was 13. Six years. Six years of craving male attention, approval, reaffirmation. Six years of trying to be somebody’s girl. I’d become obsessed with these guys, lose myself in them, devote myself to them in almost every way. Six years.

I can’t thank God enough for where he’s brought me to. The me I am today is most definitely not the me I was a year ago. I’m stronger emotionally and much more independent. I don’t feel a need to be in a relationship, if it happens it happens, if not then it’s cool, I can grow to like cats. Needless to say I am much more closer to God than I was, our relationship has developed more than I thought it would. He’s answered so many prayers and open my eyes to so much, I can’t be grateful enough. I wouldn’t mind spending the next few years single however, the time I’ve given myself to be fixed is over (in a few days). I know there are some that use the ‘I want to get right with God first’ excuse, but

  1. it’s dangerous not to put a limit on the time you want to spend in isolation. You’ll end up being consumed with passion and doing somethings you may regret. Unless of course you’ve been blessed with ‘the gift of singleness’.
  2. What does ‘get right with God’ even mean? How do you get right with God? Is it something that can only be done in isolation? As far as I know, getting ‘right with God’ is as simple as confession of sins & repentance…
  3. When you ‘get right with God’ do you also expect your partner to also be as right with God as you are? How right with God do they need to be? Are there levels?

This excuse is a mere cop-out of commitment.

I’m excited for next year, it’s going to bring about so much change – new blessings, new trials. That is if we don’t all die in a few days.

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